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Posts Tagged ‘jewish’

Jew-Z in Da House

Bummed that I didn’t make my own parody video of Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. It’s was going to be about Utah and the chorus would go, “In Utah, these mountains will make you go crazy…”

But here are a two Jewish-themed (well, one is Boca Raton, which is basically the same) parodies that are too hilarious not to share:

and:

Didn’t know Jews could rap? My artist name is P-Titty, formerly known as Poop Doggy Dog. What’s yours? Leave it in the comment box.

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Matchmaker, Matchmaker

My first shitach came to fruition. And now you must be wondering what in the h-e-double hockey sticks does shitach mean. Simply, it’s a Yiddish word signifying a set up between two people. And I stand here to declare that my Yenta ways (see Fidler on the Roof) finally paid off. I set two people up, well sort of, and they got married this past weekend.

I should clarify the set up part. I inadvertently got them together by embarrassing one of them into speaking to the other. If I had been allowed to make a speech at the wedding (I think they were afraid I’d embarrass them once again) it would have gone a little like this…

In April 2006, I was in a fratastic bar in the West Village called Fiddlesticks. I was just a few days from moving out west and was enjoying my last moments in New York City with my girlfriends. We found an actual table with chairs in the corner of the bar and proceeded to tell dirty stories, per the usual. But then a boy walked up. Not a douchebag as would be expected from the type of bar we were in, but an actual nice guy and he was cute as well. He was desperately trying to speak with my friend – we’ll call her friend A. She turned her back on him multiple times. He didn’t give up. Instead he made light conversation with friend A’s friends at the table. He and I spoke about snowboarding and I thought, here’s a decent guy who’s intelligent, funny and not a tool. Friend A fiercely ignored him, not because she didn’t like him, but she was used to speaking with idiots and assumed he was the same as all the rest.

I called her out…big time! Out loud, in front of him and the rest of the table, I told her she needed to give him a chance because he was nice, smart and cute…and he has good hair. Both of their mouths dropped open in reaction to my lack of self-filter. But…it worked. She spoke with him…for a while. When she excused herself to the ladies room, I caught her on the way. “Do you like him?” She replied with a few big nods and a smile, one that had been missing for too long. While she was gone, I spoke to the cute guy with good hair. I let him know he was safe to ask for her phone number. He didn’t believe me, but I persuaded him that she would not bite his head off as he presumed.

Not exactly your typically shitach, but one that I can be proud of accomplishing. I sensed integrity in this guy and took a chance on cajoling my friend A into submitting herself to an uncomfortable, but ultimately rewarding, experience. Their wedding this past weekend was fantastic! It was so nice to be with my best friends and completely love and respect the person they chose to be with. That can be a deal breaker, not liking your friend’s person. Luckily, I haven’t been to a wedding in which I didn’t appreciate both parties in the union and I hope I never do.

Next time a matchmaking opportunity arises, go for it. The worst that happens is that it does not work out between them and they hate you. Better luck next round. I will never tell which round this match is!

For your viewing pleasure, a foul-mouthed Jewish number. Don’t feel sad if you need Jewish translation.

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Just a Quickie

squirrel

Two guys are sitting in a bar, having a few drinks. One guy says to the other, “Ever since you left for college, I’ve been doing your mom four times a week.”

The other guy says, “Dad, are you drunk?”

I heard that one from an old high school friend. Hope he doesn’t mind that I posted it. Thanks Darnell!

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I Heart Sandwich

I had lunch today with a friend at my favorite lunch spot, the Back Door Deli (or BDD for you acronym lovers). A few days ago, I found out from the owners of BDD that I would have a sandwich named after me. Honestly, can you think of anything cooler than that? But now that I have reached the pinnacle of my rock star status so early in life, where will I go from here? By the way, my sandwich will be called Paula’s Ultimate Veggie and ultimate it will be.

I love the guys at the Back Door Deli and I think they love me too. But that is not the reason they gave my sandwich creation its place on the menu. The motivation behind their decision is simple: I’m a pain in the ass. I do not order anything directly off a menu…ever. It goes a little something like this: I’ll take the turkey sandwich but I’d like mozzarella cheese instead of cheddar, hold the turkey and could you just put it on whole wheat instead of sourdough? Thanks and I’d love an extra pickle, too. The owners of BDD finally had enough. In the process, they found a way to make a Jewish girl do what they want…give her exactly what she asks for and watch her delight in saying her own name!

My lunch conversation was more serious. (Note: tune out now if you don’t want to talk politics.) My lunch buddy and I made a comparison between our political leadership and corporations that I hope has some merit to it. We were talking about transparency in corporate America, which obviously has not existed in the past few years. Many companies have created a masterful puppet show, pulling strings behind a curtain of lies and deceit. But why would they act any differently? I mean, you do learn from the top down. For the last eight years, a clown and his sickly sidekick, who shot a man because he mistook him for a Grouse, have run our country. Have you seen what that bird looks like? Not even slightly resembling human form. Under our previous leadership, I didn’t feel like my future was being looked after. And I didn’t feel like my opinion would make a difference. I watched fearfully as choices were made that affected us all but that we did not support.

But every day since the day I was laid off, Obama has been on TV, clearly laying out his plan for the U.S. He’s been upfront about his feelings and made no secrets of the changes he intends to make. Maybe if we have a leader that sets forth an agenda of transparency, the rest of the country’s CEOs will follow suit. What better way to make a statement than to lead with respect, not only of yourself but also of the people who helped you get to where you are now.

Ok, enough seriousness, but do let me know your feelings on the state of the America. On a brighter note, be thankful that you are not allergic to your own hair. I am. 

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A Rose By Any Other Name

 

www.fabelphotography.com

Argh, I am so annoyed, with myself. I almost never make spelling/grammar mistakes. It’s something I pride myself on, proofing paragraph after paragraph, over and over, so there are no mistakes. Last night, I sent an email out to several hundred contacts and what do I do? I write, “know” instead of “no.” It may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me, it is like walking down the street with my skirt tucked into my underwear. But alas, we make mistakes in order to fix them in the future.

This was my first full week of unemployment since being laid off. I could definitely get used to early retirement or better yet, going back to school. As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been focusing my efforts studying for the quantitative portion of the GRE. I might have reached a sixth grade math level after only nine straight hours of doing math problems! Although I hate math, I have secretly discovered that I enjoy the thrill in finding the right answer. Whereas writing is fluid, ever-changing, and modifiable, math is definitive and concrete. There is usually just one answer and sometimes the best feeling is being challenged and succeeding in finding that one. Oh, did I just admit to enjoying math? Maybe, but I also KNOW that I only have three more weeks before it’s back to using a calculator.

I’ve had a few questions about the name of the blog, especially from my non-Jewish, mid-western friends. I guess it doesn’t just roll of the tongue for everyone. The name is in no way blasphemy. I’m of the belief that you can always make fun of your own kind, just not anyone else. The name – Jewtah – is a literal translation for being a Jewish Utahn. Slightly different than a Jewish New Yorker, a little more patient, with about 72% of the feistiness.

I often get asked if I’m Spanish, Italian or Mediterranean. My answer is always the same – I’m Jewish. I know it’s a religion, but for me it’s more of a heritage, or a background. I am not religious at all but very proud of being Jewish. Even though we’re lucky to have a Jewish Synagogue in our mountain town, I’ve only been once or twice. I can trace my ancestry as far back as Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx (the epitome of modern American society!). And my middle name, which I only just recently looked up to find out its origins, means “princess.” You got it – I’m a Jewish American Princess. Although I can conform quite nicely to that label by the shoes that I wear and the purses that I buy, I do enjoy the great outdoors and the dirt that comes along with it. But…is it any coincidence that my birthstone is a diamond?!

This blog post is dedicated to Redford, not Robert, but our beloved 17-year-old dog who finally gave up his will to pee wherever he pleased and walk under your feet. You will be missed!

Redford

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Yesterday was my first full day of unemployment and it rocked! I felt strong, energized, healthy. It’s surprising what happens when you stop doing what everyone thinks you SHOULD do and you start doing what you LOVE to do. Losing a job clears your mind of all the incessant, ineffective chatter of the workday.  Turns out I was in a creativity coma and my mind just woke up. Only problem now is that I can’t turn it off.

Another surprising accoutrement of losing my job is feeling like a superstar. Obviously, it’s not because I get to wear my pajamas during the day, but I have had more friends and colleagues wishing me well than my birthday tribute when I turned 21. Everywhere I look – Facebook, Jewtah, Gmail, Linked In, Twitter, my phone, in person – people are cheering me on, letting me know it’s going to be all right. And in some cases, it was me reassuring them, that they will be okay.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep (read above how light bulb turned back on inside my head). So I turned on the late-night edition of Access Hollywood to catch another recap about Michelle Obama’s Inauguration ball gown (loved it!). In this moment, horror crept over my body; I started unemployment the same day as George Dubya Bush started his unemployment. Mazel Tov that he’s finally out of office, but now I have to share something in common with this dimwit? That might be the worst part of losing my job!

That got me thinking about who else is dealing with an uncertain future. For starters, Paris Hilton. However there is nothing new about her doing “nothing.” She was at the Sundance Film Festival once again and I love hearing Robert Redford say in his TV interviews, “Why is she even in Park City? What does she do?” Also, the entire crew from “Friends” has dropped off the planet. At least Jennifer has an upcoming movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” but it was shelved so long they mention MySpace.

And that brings me to the subject of my blog – Lindsay Lohan. You may know her from such blockbusters as “Mean Girls,” “Freaky Friday” and “Herbie Fully Loaded.” She hasn’t worked in months and for the first time in my life I feel that Ms. Lohan and I are kindred spirits. We are both just a sad statistic of the rising unemployment rate.

Most importantly, today I figured out my blog’s mission – to provide content void of productive information, but useful enough to make you laugh (or at least snicker). TTFN (Mom and Ben – that means ta-ta-for-now).

 

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Yesterday, January 20, 2009, was a day of hope and pride for our nation; it was also the day I was laid off from my job. I became just another unemployment statistic in this economic nightmare. Ironically, a few weeks ago, while feeling unfulfilled with work, I made an active decision to go back to school and get my Master’s Degree. I am 99% sure that my employer did not know I was seeking out bigger opportunities to start next fall and I can be pretty certain they aren’t mind readers, either. I was just a number, just a percentage of the cut, so the company could save money and stay true to its mission.

Am I pissed? Not at all! This frees up the time I need in order to work on my application as well as this blog I’ve been dying to start, Jewtah.com. A blog about being Jewish AND living in Park City, Utah…awesome, no?!?

Not having a real job also lets me try my hand at being a “ski bum.” When you suddenly become unemployed in a mountain town, you learn how to add the “bum” to “ski-”. I also have more time to read, hike, walk the doggies (Frank and Belle), hang with my newbie husband (he’s finishing his Master’s and then starting his PhD…oy vey!), and I will get to snowboard every day. Bring on the snow!

Is it kind of funny that I was laid off on January 20? Hell yes. The same day that President Obama was sworn into office and my eyes welled up as he spoke about hope and adversity, I learned what he truly meant. After the tears of losing my job dried, I could not wipe the smile from my face. I love this new beginning. Obama said, “But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.” I didn’t realize how much it would apply to the remaking of Paula. If I have figured out correctly what Obama is trying to say, it’s that losing my job is like a bad breakup. I knew it had to happen sooner or later, but I wanted to be the one to call it quits!

I guess the toughest part of losing my job is that I could have done more…NOT! I was a solid employee – worked hard, proactive, team player, adhered to the rules, well-educated, as well as cultured (hey, I’m from New York and I’m Jewish – that’s culture for Utah) and I’m a good person. I cared about the people I worked with and the projects I worked on. So that is the only sad part of this story. That’s the one part that Obama did not get right in his speech. We aren’t measured by our strengths and our work ethic, at least not in a time of crisis. Sometimes we’re just a number, so don’t take it personally.

I’m lucky. I have never been in a better position to lose my job. I have a wonderful family, incredible friends and I’m a smart cookie. Last week, Plan A was to go back to school. Now it has become my plan A+. I live in an amazing town and now I have the time to really enjoy it.

The message here is that we’re all going to be okay. Oh, and if you need any public relations work or help with writing, I’m your gal.

Thanks to my friends and family who sent the emails, phone calls and Facebook messages letting me know that you care and aren’t worried in the least about me. You know ME.

 

Cheers to the start of a crazy, new adventure!

 

 

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